The Amtrak Heartland Flyer
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Sit back, relax and enjoy the unique scenery unfolding outside the windows of The Amtrak Heartland Flyer, running its 4,618 mile daily round trip between Oklahoma City, Texas and Fort Worth, Texas. With stops along the way in Norman, Purcell, Pauls Valley, Ardmore, and Gainesville, there are thrills and attractions for everyone! The Amtrak Heartland Flyer is the transportation choice for those Americans who are too paranoid to fly, too fat to walk, and too questionable in the credit department to finance a 1993 Mercury Topaz with 179,000 miles on it. Put down your book, turn off your smartphone, and surround yourself in stupid. The Heartland Flyer will have passengers to their destination in just a few hours, but it will feel like a lifetime.
EPISODES: 3:9
Amigo Auto Insurance
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The boys down at Amigo Auto Insurance are real go-getters. When you need to file a claim, they’ll get going.
EPISODES: Superego Second Opinions Part 1
Bruce And Ed with Kit, Klaus, And Xiong
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Bruce ‘The Throat’ Hume and Ed ‘The Inflection’ Olivas are proud to be joined by Kit ‘The Lullaby’ Le Fevre, Klause ‘The Glottis’ Hergesheimer, and Xiong ‘The Diphthong’ Wong for this very special endtimes commercial.
EPISODES: 2:11
Pete Balch
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Poor Pete Balch. Recently widowed when his wife died years ago, he sought to ease his loneliness by opening the Let’s Call It A Draw Trophy Shoppe; a store where you can buy such trophies as ‘Second Place in Facial Recognition,’ ‘Car Wash of the Decade,’ and ‘Best Vein.’ His wife recently died and also his wife died recently.
Pete Balch is the Hotel California of men: you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. His store is the kind of business that somehow stays open year in, year out, despite Balch’s complete inability to complete a simple transaction. The tedium of listening to him go on about his dead wife is overpowered only by the guilt you’d have in telling him to, ‘please for the love of all things big and small, shut your hole.’
Balch subjects his customers to unwanted lunch dates, stories of wars he wasn’t in, and descriptions of things that look swollen to him. Anyone who will listen is going to get more than an earful. He pushes the boundaries of the customer-salesman relationship at the expense of ever selling a single trophy.
EPISODES: 2:9 / 2:12 / 2:15 / 2:17 / 3:2 / Supershort 8
Gary The Toothless Vampire
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Gary Laramie Jr, AKA ‘The Toothless Vampire,’ has been seducing respectable executive assistants for over 300 years.
EPISODES: 2:7
3 Total Assholes
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: 3 Total Assholes are 3 assholes in totality. Three of them.
EPISODES: 2:1
Milton and Dupree
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Cousins Vance Milton and Abelarde Dupree began performing the vaudeville circuit at the tender age of three months. Raised in a show business family, Milton & Dupree utilized their keen talents and canny showmanship to win over audiences all throughout the country. After selling out shows on the popular Orpheum Circuit, Milton & Dupree took time out to record the first ever comedy album, and their masterpiece: Milton, Dupree & Senator Elect James D. Phelan Makes Three. Their career ended tragically when Milton, intoxicated on Jamaican root extract burned Dupree to death with an industrial iron. It was Dupree’s demise and Milton’s subsequent incarceration that signaled the fall of the golden age of vaudeville.
Milton & Dupree were known for their patented ‘punchlineless humor.’ Whatever their routine lacked, they made up for with a strong dedication to their craft and a hearty dose of old-timey, razzle-dazzle. Like a hilarious two-headed amoeba, Milton & Dupree delighted audiences in an era that knew nothing of comedy. But then again, neither did Milton or Dupree.
EPISODES: 1:7 / 1:9 / 1:13 / 1:17 / 2:5 / 2:13 / Supershort 12
Daniel Newsom
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Professor Daniel Newsom is currently the Associate Dean of Music and Dance at Reseda City College. He takes an active interest in the lives of his staff, particularly young part-timer, Douglas Spraig. His body is 98.4% waxed.
EPISODES: 1:6
Bruce ‘The Throat’ Hume and Ed ‘The Inflection’ Olivas
DIAGNOSIS: Dependant Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Bruce “The Throat” Hume & Ed “The Inflection” Olivas have been the collective voice of movie trailers for a combined total of 60 years. Pictured above in 1983, Hume and Olivas first broke on to the scene as announcers for The Boothroyd Bourbon Mystery Hour. Since then, their alluring baritones have become synonymous with American movie trailer classics. Just a few of their film trailers include: Swollen Justice, Radical Jack and Put Down Your Guns H.M.S. Me Love You Long Time. Both Hume & Olivas have entertained unsuccessful solo careers only to return to the celebrated partnership. They currently reside somewhere along the California coast.
EPISODES: 1:1 / 1:2 / 1:3 / 1:4 / 1:5 / 1:6 / 1:7 / 1:8 / 1:9 / 1:10 / 1:13 / 1:16 / 1:17 / 2:1 / 2:4 / 2:11