Brown X-Wing Squadron
DIAGNOSIS: Avoidant Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: When the Empire descends upon the oppressed citizens of the outer rim, a small team of brave rebels rises up to defend the defenseless. The Brown X-Wing Squadron are not these men. They’re no-thumbs and all-dumbs. These nerf-herders are lucky to pull the tits off a Gundark let alone save the universe from the formidable power of the Dark Side. Also, most of them are Asian so you can imagine their piloting skills. Tip your Bactatenders, I’m outta here.
EPISODES: 3:11
The Hollywood Motion Picture Press Association
DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The Hollywood Motion Picture Press Association is an international media conglomerate designed to promote, peruse, and provoke the films of today. This assemblage of correspondents use their dubious credentials to ask Hollywood’s biggest stars about their most recent projects as well as their latest poon-tanging partners. Many of them have been trained at the prestigious Dicks Out University! These films aren’t going to promote themselves you worthless bumps!
EPISODES: 3:11
Furniture Dick’s
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Furniture Dick’s is the Quad-state area’s first and only place to get sofas, ottomans, sofamans, and ottowomans. And also Sofia, some woman from Ottawa. But wait, you’ll also get dirty looks from the counter girl that is probably wearing too much cheek make-up. Deep discounts, free delivery, and scratch-and-dent deals are common at Furniture Dick’s, where you the customer, gets to barely get out of the store with a shred of your sanity. Let Furniture Dick talk you out of some fine Corinthian leather!
EPISODES: 3:10
The Family Feud
DIAGNOSIS: Histrionic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Premiering in 1976, The Family Feud remains America’s fourth favorite game show! For decades, the Feud has surveyed 100 people, put the top answers on the board, and let family members who can’t stand to look at each other pool their collective knowledge and instinct to win some really semi-fabulous prizes. Catch the Family Feud Fever! (Currently, there is no cure for Family Feud Fever.)
EPISODES: 3:10
The Leffingwell Grocers
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Since 1942 BC, your friendly botulism-free food bazaar has been Leffingwell Grocers. Fresh food, reasonable prices, and dick-like customer service are the three reasons people keep coming back to Leffingwell’s. Stop by and try not to lose your damned mind listening to the employees make announcements over the public address system; the one set permanently to a brisk 98db! Thank you for shopping at Leffingwell Grocers!
EPISODES: 3:9
Buffum’s Fragrance Counter
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Stroll into Buffum’s. You’ll be greeted by such wonderful smells and aromas and snob-ladies! They will cater to your olfactory bulbs and make catty comments about those horrible shoes you’re wearing, you two-timing, wolf-bearded hussy man. What’s that? You’re a woman? You’ll get no apology, non-shaver.
Copeland’s Down Home Health Stop
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Due to the current economic downturn and rampant southern fatricide™, Copeland’s Truck Stop is going through a bold rebranding process. Once home to the mammoth Lumberjack Pancake Tower™, the Wettest Pork Chop In The West and of course, Mama Copeland’s Famous Milkfed Pie, Copeland’s Down Home Health Stop is now the place to get skinny. With that comes all the lack of excitement and non-thrills you’d expect with drinking breakfast, lunch, and dinner through a straw. Pull up a booth and choose from one of two meals on Copeland’s new anti-expanded menu. Bon appetit!
EPISODES: 3:9
The Amtrak Heartland Flyer
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Sit back, relax and enjoy the unique scenery unfolding outside the windows of The Amtrak Heartland Flyer, running its 4,618 mile daily round trip between Oklahoma City, Texas and Fort Worth, Texas. With stops along the way in Norman, Purcell, Pauls Valley, Ardmore, and Gainesville, there are thrills and attractions for everyone! The Amtrak Heartland Flyer is the transportation choice for those Americans who are too paranoid to fly, too fat to walk, and too questionable in the credit department to finance a 1993 Mercury Topaz with 179,000 miles on it. Put down your book, turn off your smartphone, and surround yourself in stupid. The Heartland Flyer will have passengers to their destination in just a few hours, but it will feel like a lifetime.
EPISODES: 3:9
Rockstone Investments
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: When you require a personal investment company that is sound, secure, and devoid of any semblance of telephone customer service, look no further than Rockstone Investments. Founded in 2009, Rockstone is America’s oldest and most trusted financial institution. Whether you’re looking to diversify your portfolio or navigate the volatility of the stock market, Rockstone’s dedicated specialists are devoted to finding solid investments for your golden years. Just don’t expect to get any of this valuable information over the phone.
Stop Smoking Now!
DIAGNOSIS: Antisocial Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Smoking and smoking related illness is the leading killer of Americans, Europeans, and whatever the other people are. In an effort to stop the global nicotine pandemic, several leading healthcare officials got together over a carton of cigarettes and developed this simple, easy to use program that will make you feel so good, you’ll wonder why you ever needed lungs in the first place. They are dedicated to the eradication of this disgusting and addictive habit that looks really, really cool and you should try.
EPISODES: 3:6
Cylon Jim and Cylon Phil
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: First of all, Cylon Jim and Cylon Phil are happy to have jobs, don’t get them wrong. The way things are going, most centurions are either begging the gods for enough to feed their families or selling their shiny bodies behind one of Baltar’s base stars. Jim and Phil just, I don’t know, feel like the responsibilities are a bit much sometimes. It’s tough to balance galactic raids and colonial subjugation with understudying Curly in Oklahoma.
The Cobblefax Abbey Busalong Ghost Tour
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: New England’s premiere Yelp-ignored paranormal ghost tour and only winter-operating open-air double-decker bus, Doc Jimmy and Paolo Tibbets have been running this macabre descent into the darker side of New England’s history for the last eight weeks. From young girls buried alive to young boys buried in young girls, Doc and Paolo have a love for all things supernatural. Their shared interests end there. Doc and Paolo began the Cobblefax Abbey Busalong Ghost tour in an attempt to renew their own friendship, and pay off the mountains of debt accrued from the purchase of double-decker busses and paying locals to use their apartments as haunted mansions.
EPISODES: 3:5
H.R. Giger
DIAGNOSIS: Paranoid Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Legendary gothic artist H.R. Giger, famous for his design of the eponymous ‘Alien’ in Ridley Scott’s classic film, is a man of enormous talent and frequent night terrors. His illustration and sculptures have remained heavily influential in the science-fiction, cyberpunk, and nightmare-birthfetish genres. He loves being interviewed.
EPISODES: 3:5 / 3:6 / 3:7 / 3:8 / 3:10
The Lavergne Family Dinner
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The Lavergnes haven’t successfully eaten a dinner in fourteen weeks. Try as they might to thank Jesus Christ for the gifts they are about to receive, they just can’t get through to their Lord and savior.
The Treasure Island Preschool Parent’s Association
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The Treasure Island Preschool Parent’s Association promotes a secular, free-trade, grass-fed, pre-kindergarten educational containment facility for children under the age of 4 and up. Located in the neighborhood of Silverlake, Los Angeles, admission to Treasure Island is a much sought-after feather in the caps of local parents of all ethnicities, genders, and phylums. A three-year-round school, Treasure Island introduces children to all categories of elementary education from their ABCs to international digital-rights piracy and hyper-local parking lot traffic flow patterns.
EPISODES: 3:4
Don Dimello
With past collaborators John C. Reilly and Nick Nolte and Andrew Lloyd Webber and H.R. Giger
DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Don Dimello’s theatrical extravaganzas have delighted audiences of all ages, but mostly Greek, raincoated men on dialysis. Dimello is best known for his edgy reinterpretations of classic theatrical works and for adding scantily clad women to plays that may or may not need them. Past productions include Three Sisters (In Bathing Suits and Later Nothing At All), All My Sons (And The Women They’re Poon-tanging), The Importance of Peeing, Earnest, Noises (and Clothing) Off, A Midsummer Night’s Dream About Two Girls Slathered in Chocolate Sauce Going at Each Other, and The Pajama Game. Last spring (break), Mr. Dimello launched his controversial adaptation of Sam Shepard’s True West starring John C. Reilly and Nick Nolte; which is apparently still running at some god-foresaken, ragged-edge-of-nowhere, hole in the ground. He is currently engaged in developing a neo-sci-fi musical, post-apocalyptic, cyber-bullshit production of Hey, Really Giger! with Andrew Lloyd Webber and H.R. Giger.
M
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: In the treacherous world of espionage, no organization is more respected and feared than Her Majesty’s Secret Service. At the top of that storied and hallowed institution is Commander M. Shrouded in anonymity (his name is Myles Messervy), M orchestrates the defense of the free world with a bouillabaisse of effective methods, cutting edge technology, and when necessary, brute force. Mankind can sleep soundly at night knowing that M and his Double-Os are guarding the greater good for God, Queen, Country, and Adele.
Fremont City Council
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The City of Fremont was founded by Laotian explorers in the early 1800s. Once a blossoming apple village, Fremont is now a sleepy suburban bedroom community. Fremont, Oklahoma is home to tens of honest, hard working Americans with issues, complaints, and qualms. These residents have an opportunity to voice those concerns in an open forum once a month down at the municipal building that used to be a Long John Silver’s.
EPISODES: 3:2
Colby Toboggan
DIAGNOSIS: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Raw foods chef Colby Toboggan is a self-sustained, off-the-grid, environmentally-safe asshole. He hosts a partially syndicated radio talk hour entitled Raaaw, a discussion of the virtues of a lifestyle devoid of cooking, cleaning, and the creature comforts of the masses. Mr. Toboggan lives outside of Seattle in a hand-crafted, uncooked bio-dome made of found animal pelts and unsifted beachwater.
The Orchard Glen High School Faculty
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Orchard Glen High School for girls and boys is one of the largest public high schools in America. It melds methods of education from all walks of life. The school is known for their commitment to excellence, their diverse student body, and their litany of morning school announcements. At times, these bulletins stretch well into third period mandatory shop class. If information is power, then this facility is a bright burning educational bulb.
In addition to a traditional education, Orchard Glen offers a cornucopia of extra-curricular activities, after-school programs, and a wide variety of alternative learning. There is also a strict hiring criteria at Orchard Glen High School. One must have their own transportation.
Eddy Buggy
DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: In his seventh year at the American Academy of Dramatic Arts, Eddy Buggy is slowly cracking the hard-boiled egg of acting. A method actor to the bitter end, Buggy has been known to delve into characters so deeply, that when he finally emerges, he is dead. His commitment to the craft has led to an odd series of interviews as characters acting as characters. He is currently doing Sky Masterson doing Willy Loman doing Caliban. You’ve got to see this shit.
EPISODES: Superego Second Opinions Part 2
The White Collar Comedy Tour
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: They’re back! The finest fiscally conservative comics telling their finest fiscally conservative jokes to the finest fiscally conservative audiences around! Most topics are off limits! It’s a laugh a minute with several minutes of silence to contemplate the slow erosion of our great nation at the hands of socialism and other races.
EPISODES: Superego Second Opinions Part 2
The History Network
DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The History Network dusts off old footage from a bygone era and brings it straight to the homes of only the people from that era. Adhering to the notion that ‘history repeats itself,’ the station plays the same episode of ‘Ancient Civilizations: The Canadians’ on constant repeat.
EPISODES: Superego Second Opinions Part 2
Mixogynists
DIAGNOSIS: Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Brick Barrett and Tam Faulkner are New Mexico certified ‘Libation Chemists.’ Their touring tavern show celebrates the finer points of cocktail culture and has entertained and educated tens of people across America. They are tirelessly searching for that golden recipe that will get a woman drunk enough to sleep with either one of them. Or both of them. Or one could just watch. Whatever’s easiest for you.
EPISODES: Superego Second Opinions Part 2