DIAGNOSIS: Avoidant Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: When the Empire descends upon the oppressed citizens of the outer rim, a small team of brave rebels rises up to defend the defenseless. The Brown X-Wing Squadron are not these men. They’re no-thumbs and all-dumbs. These nerf-herders are lucky to pull the tits off a Gundark let alone save the universe from the formidable power of the Dark Side. Also, most of them are Asian so you can imagine their piloting skills. Tip your Bactatenders, I’m outta here.

EPISODES: 3:11

DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: The Hollywood Motion Picture Press Association is an international media conglomerate designed to promote, peruse, and provoke the films of today. This assemblage of correspondents use their dubious credentials to ask Hollywood’s biggest stars about their most recent projects as well as their latest poon-tanging partners. Many of them have been trained at the prestigious Dicks Out University! These films aren’t going to promote themselves you worthless bumps!

EPISODES: 3:11

DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Furniture Dick’s is the Quad-state area’s first and only place to get sofas, ottomans, sofamans, and ottowomans. And also Sofia, some woman from Ottawa. But wait, you’ll also get dirty looks from the counter girl that is probably wearing too much cheek make-up. Deep discounts, free delivery, and scratch-and-dent deals are common at Furniture Dick’s, where you the customer, gets to barely get out of the store with a shred of your sanity. Let Furniture Dick talk you out of some fine Corinthian leather!

EPISODES: 3:10

DIAGNOSIS: Histrionic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Premiering in 1976, The Family Feud remains America’s fourth favorite game show! For decades, the Feud has surveyed 100 people, put the top answers on the board, and let family members who can’t stand to look at each other pool their collective knowledge and instinct to win some really semi-fabulous prizes. Catch the Family Feud Fever! (Currently, there is no cure for Family Feud Fever.)

EPISODES: 3:10

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Since 1942 BC, your friendly botulism-free food bazaar has been Leffingwell Grocers. Fresh food, reasonable prices, and dick-like customer service are the three reasons people keep coming back to Leffingwell’s. Stop by and try not to lose your damned mind listening to the employees make announcements over the public address system; the one set permanently to a brisk 98db! Thank you for shopping at Leffingwell Grocers!

EPISODES: 3:9

DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Stroll into Buffum’s. You’ll be greeted by such wonderful smells and aromas and snob-ladies! They will cater to your olfactory bulbs and make catty comments about those horrible shoes you’re wearing, you two-timing, wolf-bearded hussy man. What’s that? You’re a woman? You’ll get no apology, non-shaver.

EPISODES: 3:9 / 3:11

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Due to the current economic downturn and rampant southern fatricide™, Copeland’s Truck Stop is going through a bold rebranding process. Once home to the mammoth Lumberjack Pancake Tower™, the Wettest Pork Chop In The West and of course, Mama Copeland’s Famous Milkfed Pie, Copeland’s Down Home Health Stop is now the place to get skinny. With that comes all the lack of excitement and non-thrills you’d expect with drinking breakfast, lunch, and dinner through a straw. Pull up a booth and choose from one of two meals on Copeland’s new anti-expanded menu. Bon appetit!

EPISODES: 3:9

DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Sit back, relax and enjoy the unique scenery unfolding outside the windows of The Amtrak Heartland Flyer, running its 4,618 mile daily round trip between Oklahoma City, Texas and Fort Worth, Texas. With stops along the way in Norman, Purcell, Pauls Valley, Ardmore, and Gainesville, there are thrills and attractions for everyone! The Amtrak Heartland Flyer is the transportation choice for those Americans who are too paranoid to fly, too fat to walk, and too questionable in the credit department to finance a 1993 Mercury Topaz with 179,000 miles on it. Put down your book, turn off your smartphone, and surround yourself in stupid. The Heartland Flyer will have passengers to their destination in just a few hours, but it will feel like a lifetime.

EPISODES: 3:9

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: When you require a personal investment company that is sound, secure, and devoid of any semblance of telephone customer service, look no further than Rockstone Investments. Founded in 2009, Rockstone is America’s oldest and most trusted financial institution. Whether you’re looking to diversify your portfolio or navigate the volatility of the stock market, Rockstone’s dedicated specialists are devoted to finding solid investments for your golden years. Just don’t expect to get any of this valuable information over the phone.

EPISODES: 3:7 / 3:8

DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Mudge Claughlin wants you to relax. Using his unorthodox methodology, scores of beachcombers, parolees, and volunteer drifters have found the relaxation they have so desperately sought. Untrained, other than that time he got his cousin T-Rex to calm down behind the burned out J.C. Penney, Claughlin has eschewed common relaxation practices. Those who reap the rewards swear by his program. Those who do not swear at his program.

Mr. Claughlin would prefer if you just call him Mudge.

EPISODES: 3:7 / 3:11