Buffum’s Fragrance Counter
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Stroll into Buffum’s. You’ll be greeted by such wonderful smells and aromas and snob-ladies! They will cater to your olfactory bulbs and make catty comments about those horrible shoes you’re wearing, you two-timing, wolf-bearded hussy man. What’s that? You’re a woman? You’ll get no apology, non-shaver.
Relaxation with Mudge Claughlin
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Mudge Claughlin wants you to relax. Using his unorthodox methodology, scores of beachcombers, parolees, and volunteer drifters have found the relaxation they have so desperately sought. Untrained, other than that time he got his cousin T-Rex to calm down behind the burned out J.C. Penney, Claughlin has eschewed common relaxation practices. Those who reap the rewards swear by his program. Those who do not swear at his program.
Mr. Claughlin would prefer if you just call him Mudge.
General Zod
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Why commit planetary genocide? Because it’s there, that’s why. General Zod is the megalomaniac’s megalomaniac. Cunning and powerful, he spits in the face of Kryptonian law and decorum. He is the very embodiment of the galactic Superego. Together with his publicly appointed defender, Leg-El, General Zod has faced trial after tribulation in Kryptonian courts, the waste moon of Wegthor, and even the dreaded Phantom Zone. Will he face off against his arch-nemesis, Superman? Or will he instead force himself ahead of an old lady in a gas station bathroom line? The latter, probably. General Zod, what a tit. He also hand-crafts his own patent-leather tunics.*
* http://www.etsy.com/people/zodcomplex.
The White Collar Comedy Tour
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: They’re back! The finest fiscally conservative comics telling their finest fiscally conservative jokes to the finest fiscally conservative audiences around! Most topics are off limits! It’s a laugh a minute with several minutes of silence to contemplate the slow erosion of our great nation at the hands of socialism and other races.
EPISODES: Superego Second Opinions Part 2
Guillermo Lee
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Guillermo Lee inappropriately helps people act appropriately.
EPISODES: 2:15 / 3:5
Campfire With Roy Cabras
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Roy Cabras is a certified licensed men’s trust circle facilitator. Mr. Cabras is expert in the fields of Yoga, Tai Chi, firewalking, The Art of War, The Triangle Offense, Flugtag, rhythmic gymnastics, and binge drinking. His breakout sessions are kept small: 5-10 men stare into the void and come back stronger, sturdier, and straighter. There are no anger issues he hasn’t seen before, you giant, giant pussy. Each and every Campfire™ meeting brings a new congregation of sad sacks; including corporate middle-managers, milquetoast husbands, and some Koreans.
EPISODES: 2:13 / 2:17 / 3:6 / 3:8
The Hollywood Golden Guild Awards
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The Hollywood Golden Guild Awards is a not-for-profit, profit division of the Hollywood Golden Guild Awards.
EPISODES: 2:12
Lancaster Ink
DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Lancaster Ink in either Lancaster, CA or Lancaster PA is the featured tattoo parlor in its own reality series. This show is hard core and I’m serious about that.
EPISODES: 2:8
Franklin Delano Roosevelt
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: FDR was President of The United States four times. His capable leadership brought the country out of The Great Depression. His calm command saved the world from Nazi domination. Yet none of this means he knew how to work the mic.
Ever a say-what-you-think, FDR would just as soon place an order from Driscoll’s Drugstore in the microphone than deliver an inspiring Fireside Chat. For every pearl of wisdom he broadcasted to the country, there was another lewd comment about his secretary Lucy’s ‘dewy gams.’
Initially speaking with more candor than inspiration, FDR took to the airwaves to try to make lemonade out of a nationwide heap of lemons, scarcely succeeding. The Depression has never felt so surreal. Gather the kids around the giant Emerson wireless and listen to President Roosevelt soothe the nation with promises of prosperity, security, and rumble seat hand jobs.
EPISODES: 2:4 / 2:5 / 2:9 / 2:10 / 2:16 / 3:1 / Supershort 6
Charla Corbin-Contreras
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Former Miss Teen Guam, Charla Corbin-Contreras now works for the Duluth County emergency response call center. She would like to thank her mom, dad, and Jesus for making this possible.
EPISODES: 2:3
FUN-FACT: Charla Corbin-Contreras is Supreme Court Nominee Roger Contreras’s half-daughter.
Hart + Sole
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: America’s favorite tag-team wrestlers,* Champ ‘The Champ’ Hartland and Mark ‘The Meatman’ Walker were the Extremely Professional Wrestling Champions from 1998-1998. Their meteoric rise to fame was met with tragic disappointment as both men simultaneously tore their rotator cuffs in an anabolic steroid related rotator cuff tearing incident. These career-ending injuries propelled the duo into ‘promotional superstardom’ in the tri-state AM radio circuit.
*America, West Virginia.
St. Paul’s The Apostle Evangelical Medical Society
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: St. Paul’s The Apostle Evangelical Medical Society will diagnose, treat and judge the ever-livin’ shit out of you.
Amazing Dave
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Amazing Dave’s hip, buzzing salon, Sidebangs, has made him the most popular stylist in lower Detroit. He has been profiled in Rugburn and featured on WXTZ’s ‘Stache-Touchers.
EPISODES: 2:1
Rowlf The Muppet
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Rowlf the Muppet has been tickling the ivories and playing it again Sam for 30 some odd years. He likes his women easy and his coke pure.
EPISODES: 1:15
Ultraforce: Kel and Trask
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Ultraforce: a super-future modern fighting duo, hand-selected from the most elite combat units worldwide…in spandex.
EPISODES: 1:11 / 1:12
Erin Michelle Belger
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Ms. Belger enjoys a leisurely lifestyle in the west room of a beautiful Victorian townhouse in San Francisco, California. Other than that, she is a Russian double-agent, and a promiscuous lover. She is constantly exasperated by the incessant grumblings of her boyfriend, Max. She also used to have a kitten. She loves kittens. She really loves kittens.
Delaware Burgess
DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Delaware Beauregard Burgess was born in Voorhees, NJ in 1948. The only son of disabled working class parents, Del observed at an early age, “I cannot entertain the capricious life of cap guns and hockey skates when there’s a hole in the roof and Dad’s lousy with the polio.” Del continued to toil and eventually put himself through the prestigious Columbia School of Broadcasting*. After completing numerous other university requirements, Del found himself a budding author and broadcast journalist. His books Charge of the Right Brigade and Quiet, I’m Talking have been national-regional best sellers as well as no. 1 on the New York Post Out This Week List. Del Burgess currently resides in Republican City, NE with his chocolate lab, Goldwater and an impressive collection of Hummel figurines.
EPISODES: 1:1
*A department of the Vincent Columbino Trenton Technical Institution.