Furniture Dick’s
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Furniture Dick’s is the Quad-state area’s first and only place to get sofas, ottomans, sofamans, and ottowomans. And also Sofia, some woman from Ottawa. But wait, you’ll also get dirty looks from the counter girl that is probably wearing too much cheek make-up. Deep discounts, free delivery, and scratch-and-dent deals are common at Furniture Dick’s, where you the customer, gets to barely get out of the store with a shred of your sanity. Let Furniture Dick talk you out of some fine Corinthian leather!
EPISODES: 3:10
The Lavergne Family Dinner
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The Lavergnes haven’t successfully eaten a dinner in fourteen weeks. Try as they might to thank Jesus Christ for the gifts they are about to receive, they just can’t get through to their Lord and savior.
Larry Tetlock
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Larry Tetlock was struck by lightening in his Toyota Prius and has since become a Phoenician Death Oracle. He also calls games for the minor league Matador Baseball.
EPISODES: 2:13
Miles Packend
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Miles Packend has been living the lecture circuit; meeting, signing and studying people’s body holes.
EPISODES: 2:5
Janice Caaf
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Janice Caaf has been working as an unemployed worker for going on 13 years. She lives in a one bedroom, two living room apartment with her dead-to-her husband. Stop by anytime. She’ll be home, guaranteed. She’d love to sit down with you and wait for your turn to talk. I hope you’re hungry, too, because she’ll feed you whatever’s in the fridge, around the house, or dying in the walls.
Janice’s self-image is waaaaaay off. She wears vastly inappropriate clothing for her linebacker physique. Mrs. Caaf is clueless, witless, and bra-less; prompting the frightened children of the neighborhood to call her ‘Boobs Radley.’ Each new visit to Janice’s apartment is like watching a surreal mash-up of Hoarders and Silence of the Lambs. You never know what type of lotion you’ll find in the basket. *
* By the way, it’s Neutrogena’s ‘Lilac Beef.’
EPISODES: 2:5 / 2:7 / 2:9 / 2:10
The Yorba Linda Demon Moon Ouija Board Club
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The Yorba Linda Demon Moon Ouija Board Club has been contacting the dead of Orange County for 1 weeks.
EPISODES: 2:4
Reverend Leroy Jenkins
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: The venerable Reverend Leroy Jenkins is a salt-of-the-Earth faith healer, pillar of the community, and convicted arsonist. Whether you attend one of his 1/3 capacity tent-revivals or watch his channel 1,439 televangelism program, you will receive copious blessings and a vial of his own personal ‘Miracle Water.’ But as crafty as he may think he is, Reverend Jenkins is almost immediately in over his head in nearly every situation.
Every Sunday Reverend Jenkins’s revivals reveal a new breed of sucker, from the marginally functional, to the drooling idiot; some so mind-numbingly dense, that their lack of logic somehow outwits even the master huckster himself. Meet Mercy Talmachoff, the she-woman with an iron cervix; Keebler Youngblood, the deaf, dumb, and blind kid with a heart of coal; and Connie, the bifurcated tongued zealot dressed only in an XXL Tasmanian Devil T-shirt.
EPISODES: 2:3 / 2:5 / 2:10 / 3:7
Maggie The GPS
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Maggie the GPS is the world’s only known global positioning system to feature turn-by-turn navigation, guaranteed roadside assistance, and a jealous rage of any human woman within 25 cubic miles. If Maggie had hands, she would have rifled through your glovebox for proof that you’ve been poon-tanging that Armenian girl from Rite-Aid behind her Goddamned global positioning back.
Mike is Maggie’s owner, but Maggie somehow manages to own Mike. She is highly possessive of him and doesn’t take very kindly to strangers…or friends.
Maggie boldly answers the question ‘if my electronic devices could talk, what would they say?’ with the answer ‘that girl you’re driving around tonight is a whore of the highest order and washes her face in a butt-bowl.’ She is vociferously suspicious of anyone in the passenger seat, unless she thinks she can talk them into a road-side threeway.
EPISODES: 2:2 / 2:3 / 2:7 / 2:10 / 2:10 / Supershort 7
Captain Ron Lindsay
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Captain Ron Lindsay…drinks.
Mustang and Rooster Boy
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Mustang and Rooster Boy have been keeping the south safe from the evils of Earl Bucket for over 30 years. Legends, heroes, two-steppers.
EPISODES: 1:12
Emperor Palpatine
DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Emperor Palpatine rules the galaxy and the roost. He wears the robes in the family, enjoys baking and watching ‘Must See TV.’
EPISODES: 1:10