DIAGNOSIS: Avoidant Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: When the Empire descends upon the oppressed citizens of the outer rim, a small team of brave rebels rises up to defend the defenseless. The Brown X-Wing Squadron are not these men. They’re no-thumbs and all-dumbs. These nerf-herders are lucky to pull the tits off a Gundark let alone save the universe from the formidable power of the Dark Side. Also, most of them are Asian so you can imagine their piloting skills. Tip your Bactatenders, I’m outta here.

EPISODES: 3:11

DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: The Hollywood Motion Picture Press Association is an international media conglomerate designed to promote, peruse, and provoke the films of today. This assemblage of correspondents use their dubious credentials to ask Hollywood’s biggest stars about their most recent projects as well as their latest poon-tanging partners. Many of them have been trained at the prestigious Dicks Out University! These films aren’t going to promote themselves you worthless bumps!

EPISODES: 3:11

DIAGNOSIS: Histrionic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Premiering in 1976, The Family Feud remains America’s fourth favorite game show! For decades, the Feud has surveyed 100 people, put the top answers on the board, and let family members who can’t stand to look at each other pool their collective knowledge and instinct to win some really semi-fabulous prizes. Catch the Family Feud Fever! (Currently, there is no cure for Family Feud Fever.)

EPISODES: 3:10

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Since 1942 BC, your friendly botulism-free food bazaar has been Leffingwell Grocers. Fresh food, reasonable prices, and dick-like customer service are the three reasons people keep coming back to Leffingwell’s. Stop by and try not to lose your damned mind listening to the employees make announcements over the public address system; the one set permanently to a brisk 98db! Thank you for shopping at Leffingwell Grocers!

EPISODES: 3:9

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Due to the current economic downturn and rampant southern fatricide™, Copeland’s Truck Stop is going through a bold rebranding process. Once home to the mammoth Lumberjack Pancake Tower™, the Wettest Pork Chop In The West and of course, Mama Copeland’s Famous Milkfed Pie, Copeland’s Down Home Health Stop is now the place to get skinny. With that comes all the lack of excitement and non-thrills you’d expect with drinking breakfast, lunch, and dinner through a straw. Pull up a booth and choose from one of two meals on Copeland’s new anti-expanded menu. Bon appetit!

EPISODES: 3:9

DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Sit back, relax and enjoy the unique scenery unfolding outside the windows of The Amtrak Heartland Flyer, running its 4,618 mile daily round trip between Oklahoma City, Texas and Fort Worth, Texas. With stops along the way in Norman, Purcell, Pauls Valley, Ardmore, and Gainesville, there are thrills and attractions for everyone! The Amtrak Heartland Flyer is the transportation choice for those Americans who are too paranoid to fly, too fat to walk, and too questionable in the credit department to finance a 1993 Mercury Topaz with 179,000 miles on it. Put down your book, turn off your smartphone, and surround yourself in stupid. The Heartland Flyer will have passengers to their destination in just a few hours, but it will feel like a lifetime.

EPISODES: 3:9

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: When you require a personal investment company that is sound, secure, and devoid of any semblance of telephone customer service, look no further than Rockstone Investments. Founded in 2009, Rockstone is America’s oldest and most trusted financial institution. Whether you’re looking to diversify your portfolio or navigate the volatility of the stock market, Rockstone’s dedicated specialists are devoted to finding solid investments for your golden years. Just don’t expect to get any of this valuable information over the phone.

EPISODES: 3:7 / 3:8

DIAGNOSIS: Antisocial Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Smoking and smoking related illness is the leading killer of Americans, Europeans, and whatever the other people are. In an effort to stop the global nicotine pandemic, several leading healthcare officials got together over a carton of cigarettes and developed this simple, easy to use program that will make you feel so good, you’ll wonder why you ever needed lungs in the first place. They are dedicated to the eradication of this disgusting and addictive habit that looks really, really cool and you should try.

EPISODES: 3:6

DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: The Lavergnes haven’t successfully eaten a dinner in fourteen weeks. Try as they might to thank Jesus Christ for the gifts they are about to receive, they just can’t get through to their Lord and savior.

EPISODES: 3:5 / 3:8

DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: The Treasure Island Preschool Parent’s Association promotes a secular, free-trade, grass-fed, pre-kindergarten educational containment facility for children under the age of 4 and up. Located in the neighborhood of Silverlake, Los Angeles, admission to Treasure Island is a much sought-after feather in the caps of local parents of all ethnicities, genders, and phylums. A three-year-round school, Treasure Island introduces children to all categories of elementary education from their ABCs to international digital-rights piracy and hyper-local parking lot traffic flow patterns.

EPISODES: 3:4