Improvised & Analyzed

Obsolete

Elevator Jim


DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: There are only so many elevators and only so many bottles of beer in the world.

ANIMATION: Stuart Allan

RELEASE DATE: December 15, 2010



iPhone User


Milton and Dupree

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Cousins Vance Milton and Abelarde Dupree began performing the vaudeville circuit at the tender age of three months. Raised in a show business family, Milton & Dupree utilized their keen talents and canny showmanship to win over audiences all throughout the country. After selling out shows on the popular Orpheum Circuit, Milton & Dupree took time out to record the first ever comedy album, and their masterpiece: Milton, Dupree & Senator Elect James D. Phelan Makes Three. Their career ended tragically when Milton, intoxicated on Jamaican root extract burned Dupree to death with an industrial iron. It was Dupree’s demise and Milton’s subsequent incarceration that signaled the fall of the golden age of vaudeville.

Milton & Dupree were known for their patented ‘punchlineless humor.’ Whatever their routine lacked, they made up for with a strong dedication to their craft and a hearty dose of old-timey, razzle-dazzle. Like a hilarious two-headed amoeba, Milton & Dupree delighted audiences in an era that knew nothing of comedy. But then again, neither did Milton or Dupree.

ANIMATION: Bradley Gake and Peter Michail. Edited by Michael d’Ambrosio.

RELEASE DATE: December 1, 2010



iPhone User


Hashimoto Wellness Labs


DIAGNOSIS: Borderline Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: In 1973, Takahiro Hashimoto set out to create a new standard in the improvement of the health and well being of children everywhere. His patented comprehensive 21-point emotional spectrum sensory test is the industry standard in wellness information acquisition and juvenile confusion. Hashimoto Wellness Labs is helping the youth of America to see better, hear better, cry better.

ANIMATION: Alan Melikdjanian

RELEASE DATE: November 15, 2010



Wells of America

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Schizoid Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Wells of America was founded in 1912 by a real dick. Since it’s first transaction, the institution has been screwing over honest folk regularly.

ANIMATION: Maki Naro

RELEASE DATE: November 1, 2010



iPhone User


Nathan The Silverback Gorilla

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Antisocial Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Extracted from the wild jungles of Borneo, Nathan the silverback gorilla was thrust into the blinding limelight of celebrity. He resents the world. You would too.

PUPPETRY: Jeff Crocker and Damon Gentry

RELEASE DATE: October 15, 2010



iPhone User


Pete Balch

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Dependent Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Poor Pete Balch. Recently widowed when his wife died years ago, he sought to ease his loneliness by opening the Let’s Call It A Draw Trophy Shoppe; a store where you can buy such trophies as ‘Second Place in Facial Recognition,’ ‘Car Wash of the Decade,’ and ‘Best Vein.’ His wife recently died and also his wife died recently.

Pete Balch is the Hotel California of men: you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. His store is the kind of business that somehow stays open year in, year out, despite Balch’s complete inability to complete a simple transaction. The tedium of listening to him go on about his dead wife is overpowered only by the guilt you’d have in telling him to, ‘please for the love of all things big and small, shut your hole.’

Balch subjects his customers to unwanted lunch dates, stories of wars he wasn’t in, and descriptions of things that look swollen to him. Anyone who will listen is going to get more than an earful. He pushes the boundaries of the customer-salesman relationship at the expense of ever selling a single trophy.

PUPPETRY: Jeff Johnston

RELEASE DATE: October 1, 2010



iPhone User


Maggie The GPS

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Schizotypal Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Maggie the GPS is the world’s only known global positioning system to feature turn-by-turn navigation, guaranteed roadside assistance, and a jealous rage of any human woman within 25 cubic miles. If Maggie had hands, she would have rifled through your glovebox for proof that you’ve been poon-tanging that Armenian girl from Rite-Aid behind her Goddamned global positioning back.

Mike is Maggie’s owner, but Maggie somehow manages to own Mike. She is highly possessive of him and doesn’t take very kindly to strangers…or friends.

Maggie boldly answers the question ‘if my electronic devices could talk, what would they say?’ with the answer ‘that girl you’re driving around tonight is a whore of the highest order and washes her face in a butt-bowl.’ She is vociferously suspicious of anyone in the passenger seat, unless she thinks she can talk them into a road-side threeway.

PUPPETRY: AceTheatrical

RELEASE DATE: September 15, 2010



iPhone User


FDR

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: FDR was President of The United States four times. His capable leadership brought the country out of The Great Depression. His calm command saved the world from Nazi domination. Yet none of this means he knew how to work the mic.

Ever a say-what-you-think, FDR would just as soon place an order from Driscoll’s Drugstore in the microphone than deliver an inspiring Fireside Chat. For every pearl of wisdom he broadcasted to the country, there was another lewd comment about his secretary Lucy’s ‘dewy gams.’

Initially speaking with more candor than inspiration, FDR took to the airwaves to try to make lemonade out of a nationwide heap of lemons, scarcely succeeding. The Depression has never felt so surreal. Gather the kids around the giant Emerson wireless and listen to President Roosevelt soothe the nation with promises of prosperity, security, and rumble seat hand jobs.

ANIMATION: Erik Sternberger

RELEASE DATE: September 1, 2010



iPhone User


Access Geology

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Histrionic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Minerals, Magma, More!

RELEASE DATE: February 1, 2009



iPhone User


California Cooking with Claymore Cleveland

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Who doesn’t love a yogurt parfait?

RELEASE DATE: October 1, 2008



iPhone User


Gettin’ Laid with Rutherford B. Hayes

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Romance advice straight from the top.

RELEASE DATE: August 1, 2008



iPhone User


Old-Timey Assorteds

explicit


DIAGNOSIS: Countless Personality Disorders

CASE HISTORY: Grab an elixir and get wise.

RELEASE DATE: March 1, 2008



iPhone User