Improvised & Analyzed

Superego Pilot

General Zod

(With guest voices Patton Oswalt and Chris Tallman)

[audio:|titles=General Zod 1]

Diagnosis • Narcissistic Personality Disorder

CASE HISTORY: Why commit planetary genocide? Because it’s there, that’s why. General Zod is the megalomaniac’s megalomaniac. Cunning and powerful, he spits in the face of Kryptonian law and decorum. He is the very embodiment of the galactic Superego. Zod also hand-crafts his own patent-leather tunics. *

Episode Concepts: Together with his publicly appointed defender, Lēg-El, General Zod will face trial after tribulation in Kryptonian courts, the waste moon of Wegthor, and even the dreaded Phantom Zone. Perhaps we will see him face off against his arch-nemesis, Superman! But more likely we will see him force himself ahead of an old lady in a gas station bathroom line. General Zod, what a tit.


The Golden Dusk Assisted Living Bingo Club

(With guest voice Paul F. Tompkins and Mark Gagliardi)

Diagnosis • Old Personality Disorder

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Campfire™ with Roy Cabras

(With guest voice Drew Carey and Jeff Davis)

Diagnosis • Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Roy Cabras is a certified licensed men’s trust circle facilitator. Mr. Cabras is expert in the fields of Yoga, Tai Chi, firewalking, The Art of War, The Triangle Offense, Flugtag, rhythmic gymnastics, and binge drinking. His breakout sessions are kept small: 5-10 men stare into the void and come back stronger, sturdier, and straighter. There are no anger issues he hasn’t seen before, you giant, giant pussy.

Episode Concepts: Each and every Campfire™ meeting will bring a new congregation of sad sacks; including corporate middle-managers, milquetoast husbands, and some Koreans.

My Baby Dreamer

[audio:|titles=My Baby Dreamer 1]

Diagnosis • Antisocial Personality Disorder

This season’s hottest toy! Recommended for ages 21 and older, or hill- children who are ‘good with a knife.’

My Baby Dreamer is the toy to end all toys – quite literally. This toy will murder all of your children’s favorite playthings with a soldering gun.

Episode Concepts: Every commercial for My Baby Dreamer will showcase her(?) eerie and macabre ways of making playtime fun. Accessories include lead pacifier, pepper spray bottle, and ‘Barky’ the asbestos beagle.

NASA Mission Control

[audio:|titles=NASA Mission Control 1]

Diagnosis • Paranoid Personality Disorder

In the early days of NASA, decisions weren’t made with analytics and research; decisions were made with balls. Big, brass balls. It was a man’s world. A confusing, analog man’s world with pictures of naked ladies scotch-taped to the mainframes, where supervisors were your drinking buddies, and no one cared if you came into work smelling like a Las Vegas peepbooth. As long as you did your job and got those birds in the sky, no one ever said word one. Some say that these halcyon days of cigarettes and satellites are long gone, but research shows that these space-cowboys are still mounting up and riding high.

Episode Concepts: Each NASA shuttle mission will encounter a unique problem, be it drunken engineers, faulty equipment, or wide-eyed, stow-away Sam Elliots.

Smithsonian Audio Tours

(With guest voices Paul F. Tompkins and Tom Scharpling)

[audio:|titles=Smithsonian Audio Tours 1]

Diagnosis • Histrionic Personality Disorder

Why not take an educational guided-tour through the hallowed halls of America’s greatest cultural institution? Experience the wit and wisdom of Mark Twain, the picturesque reflections of Ansel Adams, and the plaintive mating whispers of Danielle Steel.

The annals of the Smithsonian run deep and run wide. This continuing series of audio tours will guide visitors through a variety of rarely seen archives and exhibits. Visitors will leave educated, informed, and aroused.

Episode Concepts: You’ll come back time and time again for the Smithsonian Audio Tours celebrated exhibits on history, pop culture, and other American bullshit.

Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Diagnosis • Narcissistic Personality Disorder

FDR was President of The United States four times. His capable leadership brought the country out of The Great Depression. His calm command saved the world from Nazi domination. Yet none of this means he knew how to work the mic.

Ever a say-what-you-think, FDR would just as soon place an order from Driscoll’s Drugstore in the microphone than deliver an inspiring Fireside Chat. For every pearl of wisdom he broadcasted to the country, there was another lewd comment about his secretary Lucy’s ‘dewy gams.’

Initially speaking with more candor than inspiration, FDR took to the airwaves to try to make lemonade out of a nationwide heap of lemons, scarcely succeeding. The Depression has never felt so surreal.

Episode Concepts: Gather the kids around the giant Emerson wireless and listen to President Roosevelt soothe the nation with promises of prosperity, security, and rumble seat hand jobs.

Wilford Brimley

Diagnosis • Antisocial Personality Disorder

Wilford Brimley is a beloved American character actor whose résumé includes such cinema classics as The Thing, The Firm, and The Cocoon. Mr. Brimley also suffers from crippling type-12 ‘diabesity.’ At the expense of his acting career, he has made it his personal mission to help others ‘get the help they deserve.’ He is prone to violent diabetic rages during his commercial shoots and has just plain had it with the lack of enthusiasm for the free medical tester available to anyone without cost or obligation, Goddamnit. Brimley remains a pillar of the Hollywood community and a back-breaking burden to his poor horse, Buttercup.

Episode Concepts: Just flip through your local channels and witness the campaign of ‘Uncle Wilf’ commercials where he expresses his utter fucking disbelief that you won’t pick up the Goddamned phone and call the toll-fucking-free number at the bottom of the Goddamned, foreign-made television screen.

Reverend Leroy Jenkins

(With guest voices Paul F. Tompkins and Rich Sommer)

[audio:|titles=Leroy Jenkins 3]

Diagnosis • Schizotypal Personality Disorder

The venerable Reverend Leroy Jenkins is a salt-of-the-Earth faith healer, pillar of the community, and convicted arsonist. Whether you attend one of his 1/3 capacity tent-revivals or watch his channel 1,439 televangelism program, you will receive copious blessings and a vial of his own personal ‘Miracle Water.’ But as crafty as he may think he is, Reverend Jenkins is almost immediately in over his head in nearly every situation.

Episode Concepts: Every Sunday Reverend Jenkins’s revivals will reveal a new breed of sucker, from the marginally functional, to the drooling idiot; some so mind-numbingly dense, that their lack of logic somehow outwits even the master huckster himself. Meet Mercy Talmachoff, the she-woman with an iron cervix; Keebler Youngblood, the deaf, dumb, and blind kid with a heart of coal; and Connie, the bifurcated tongued zealot dressed only in an XXL Tasmanian Devil T-shirt.

Janice Caaf

Diagnosis • Schizotypal Personality Disorder

Janice Caaf has been working as an unemployed worker for going on 13 years. She lives in a one bedroom, two living room apartment with her dead-to-her husband. Stop by anytime. She’ll be home, guaranteed. She’d love to sit down with you and wait for your turn to talk. I hope you’re hungry, too, because she’ll feed you whatever’s in the fridge, around the house, or dying in the walls.

Janice’s self-image is waaaaaay off. She wears vastly inappropriate clothing for her linebacker physique. Mrs. Caaf is clueless, witless, and bra-less; prompting the frightened children of the neighborhood to call her ‘Boobs Radley.’

Episode Concepts: Each new stop to Janice’s apartment is like watching a surreal mash-up of Hoarders and Silence of the Lambs. You never know what type of lotion you’ll find in the basket. *

* By the way, it’s Neutrogena’s ‘Lilac Beef.’

Pete Balch

[audio:|titles=Pete Balch 3]

Diagnosis • Dependent Personality Disorder

Poor Pete Balch. Recently widowed when his wife died years ago, he sought to ease his loneliness by opening the Let’s Call It A Draw Trophy Shoppe; a store where you can buy such trophies as ‘Second Place in Facial Recognition,’ ‘Car Wash of the Decade,’ and ‘Best Vein.’ His wife recently died and also his wife died recently.

Pete Balch is the Hotel California of men: you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. His store is the kind of business that somehow stays open year in, year out, despite Balch’s complete inability to complete a simple transaction. The tedium of listening to him go on about his dead wife is overpowered only by the guilt you’d have in telling him to, ‘please for the love of all things big and small, shut your hole.’

Episode Concepts: Each visit to the trophy shop introduces us to a new customer as Balch subjects them to unwanted lunch dates, stories of wars he wasn’t in, and descriptions of things that look swollen to him. He pushes the boundaries of the customer-salesman relationship at the expense of ever selling a single trophy.

Milton & Dupree

Cousins Vance Milton and Abelarde Dupree began performing the vaudeville circuit at the tender age of three months. Raised in a show business family, Milton & Dupree utilized their keen talents and canny showmanship to win over audiences all throughout the country. After selling out shows on the popular Orpheum Circuit, Milton & Dupree took time out to record the first ever comedy album, and their masterpiece: Milton, Dupree & Senator Elect James D. Phelan Makes Three. Their career ended tragically when Milton, intoxicated on Jamaican root extract burned Dupree to death with an industrial iron. It was Dupree’s demise and Milton’s subsequent incarceration that signaled the fall of the golden age of vaudeville.

Milton & Dupree were known for their patented ‘punchlineless humor.’ Whatever their routine lacked, they made up for with a strong dedication to their craft and a hearty dose of old-timey, razzle-dazzle. Like a hilarious two-headed amoeba, Milton & Dupree delighted audiences in an era that knew nothing of comedy. But then again, neither did Milton or Dupree.

Episode Concepts: Each new Milton & Dupree show promised jokes, anti-jokes, knee-slappers, and the vaudevillian charm you’d come to expect from these legends of comedy. Visionaries of their time, their tattered filmstrips have been unearthed and will be presented for a more sophisticated modern audience.

Maggie the GPS

[audio:|titles=Maggie 3]

Diagnosis • Paranoid Personality Disorder

Maggie the GPS is the world’s only known global positioning system to feature turn-by-turn navigation, guaranteed roadside assistance, and a jealous rage towards any human woman within 25 cubic miles. If Maggie had hands, she would have rifled through your glovebox for proof that you’ve been poon-tanging that Armenian girl from Rite-Aid behind her Goddamned global positioning back.

Mike is Maggie’s owner, but Maggie somehow manages to own Mike. Maggie boldly answers the question ‘if my electronic devices could talk, what would they say?’ with the answer ‘that girl you’re driving around tonight is a whore of the highest order and washes her face in a butt-bowl.’ She is vociferously suspicious of anyone in the passenger seat, unless she thinks she can talk them into a road-side threeway.

Episode Concepts: Maggie’s journeys will see her clash with many of Mike’s travelling companions; whether it be a blind date, a romantic dalliance in mainland China, or just a friend accompanying Mike to a popular Halloween corn maze.

Imogene Kanouse

[audio:|titles=Imogene Kanouse 8]

Diagnosis • Delusional Personality Disorder

As title-holder to both the 2004 Ms. Wheel-Chopper Contest and the 1986 Virginia Slim Smoke-Off, Imogene Kanouse is the embodiment of the american spirit. She maintains an active social life and enjoys dining out with men named anyone. Ms. Kanouse teaches a popular ‘Wheelercize’ class at the Canoga Park YWCA and loves to play strip chess. Her physical limitations may be considerable, but her drive is unstoppable. Calling her a flirt is an insult to flirts everywhere. In her very own words, ‘forward facing eyes are for predators,’ and Imogene’s eyes are forever facing forward, tunneled in their vision, like a lioness stalking her unwitting prey. She is the merry huntress.

Episode Concepts: Viewers of Superego will experience firsthand Imogene’s love of the social scene; whether it be through exciting forays into speed-dating single’s nights, erotic maid services, or community theater Shakespeare auditions.

Shunt McGuppin

(With guest voices Paul F. Tompkins as Andrew Lloyd Webber and James Urbaniak as David Bowie)

[audio:|titles=Shunt McGuppin 11 with Andrew Lloyd Webber]

Diagnosis • Antisocial Personality Disorder

Shunt McGuppin is an American firebrand. Country music hasn’t been the same since this gruff, uneducated sensation burst onto the Nashville scene. His hit, Alabaster Sweat, remained on the country charts for an unprecedented 7,010 weeks. In Shunt’s heyday, he was a multi-platinum, multi-instrumentalist, multi-wived marvel.

These days, Shunt is constantly trying to recapture his youth and past success. Despite near-crippling arthritis and multiple bankruptcies, he continues to pay for astronomically expensive studio time to record that elusive comeback-comeback album. Shunt McGuppin will belt out his tasteless songs whether people like it or not — and they never will. He drinks to the point of never not drinking and lives with his dog Atherton in Toby Keith’s guesthouse.

Episode Concepts: Superego will catch up with Shunt in the studio and out of his element; or perhaps recording unusable NPR interviews, collaborating with Sir Dame Andrew Lloyd Webber, battling contract negotiations, or even delivering an inappropriate eulogy at Buck Owens’s funeral.

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