CASE HISTORY: The gravelly baritone of cowboy-poet Sam Elliott could assuage the last nickel from a Cincinnati skin-flint. Elliott is the most sought after voice over artist in the western world. His warm, rough delivery of the written word could sell water to a well, sand to a beach, and stars to a clear midsummer’s night. But c’mon, let’s get serious here. A beach doesn’t have a wallet. It’s a beach. Use your doggone brain for more than thirty seconds and get your head in the game, Templeton. For Custer’s sake, you’re better than this. Now let’s all go rope something.
CASE HISTORY: In the early days of NASA, decisions weren’t made with analytics and research; decisions were made with balls. Big, brass balls. It was a man’s world. A confusing, analog man’s world with pictures of naked ladies scotch-taped to the mainframes, where supervisors were your drinking buddies, and no one cared if you came into work smelling like a Las Vegas peepbooth. As long as you did your job and got those birds in the sky, no one ever said word one. Some say that these halcyon days of cigarettes and satellites are long gone, but research shows that these space-cowboys are still mounting up and riding high.
DIAGNOSIS: Antisocial Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Shunt McGuppin is an American firebrand. Country music hasn’t been the same since this gruff, uneducated sensation burst onto the Nashville scene. His hit, Alabaster Sweat, remained on the country charts for an unprecedented 7,010 weeks. In Shunt’s heyday, he was a multi-platinum, multi-instrumentalist, multi-wived marvel.
These days, Shunt is constantly trying to recapture his youth and past success. Despite near-crippling arthritis and multiple bankruptcies, he continues to pay for astronomically expensive studio time to record that elusive comeback-comeback album. He has seen it all and sung it more. Shunt McGuppin will belt his songs whether people like it or not — and they never will. He drinks to the point of never not drinking and lives with his dog Atherton in Toby Keith’s guesthouse.