Wilford Brimley
DIAGNOSIS: Antisocial Personality Disorder
CASE HISTORY: Wilford Brimley is a beloved American character actor whose résumé includes such cinema classics as The Thing, The Firm, and The Cocoon. Mr. Brimley also suffers from crippling type-12 ‘diabesity.’ At the expense of his acting career, he has made it his personal mission to help others ‘get the help they deserve.’ He is prone to violent diabetic rages during his commercial shoots and has just plain had it with the lack of enthusiasm for the free medical tester available to anyone without cost or obligation, Goddamnit. Brimley remains a pillar of the Hollywood community and a back-breaking burden to his poor horse, Buttercup.
Just flip through your local channels and witness the campaign of ‘Uncle Wilf’ commercials where he expresses his utter fucking disbelief that you won’t pick up the Goddamned phone and call the toll-fucking-free number at the bottom of the Goddamned, foreign-made television screen.